Dr. Diane Sanford

School's Out, Almost

Dr.Diane Sanford — Thu, 01 May 2008 22:03:00 +0000

May is that magical time of year, when all school projects, activities and celebrations which haven't occurred get compressed into one month. I remember this was particularly stressful when my children were young, and I used to think would Jessica, my now 20 year old or Rachel who's 16, be terribly traumatized if I didn't show up for their last special event. Then, there was the "mother guilt" which hounded me when I thought about not going. With all the jokes about how psychologists scar their children, I certainly didn't want that to happen to mine.

Still, I don't understand why we couldn't have started earlier, like April even, attending the last choir concert or classroom event. I remember clearly that by the end of school, both children and parents were exhausted but maybe we were having some kind of fun I didn't understand. I wonder if this happens as much in countries outside the US. It seems the adrenaline surge of doing too much in too little time is something we crave although I don't really believe it's in our best interest.

So, as you head into this busy time of year, be mindful of keeping some balance in your life, and enjoying the time you have with your children without always thinking about the next event you're rushing to. Pamper yourself with a manicure, time for reading, lunch with a friend, working out or whatever you do to de-stress (see my April article at www.javajournalonline.com about "10 Tips to De-stress"). After all, May is mental health awareness and depression screening month. Guess they timed that right! Take a moment to breathe in the beauty of spring, the flowers budding, the birds chirping, the pollen rising, well maybe not that last one...And remember, keep a sense of humor. Laughter releases endorphins. Besides, it's fun.

I wish you well during this time. My daughters are wonderful, successful young women, in spite of the fact that I didn't make it to everything. So far, so good which as a mom, I'll take.

Warmly, Diane.

Embracing Life Fully

Dr.Diane Sanford — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 16:41:00 +0000

In the wake of the Kirkwood shootings and with spring on its way, my thoughts have been on what to do to make the most of life each day. I have come to believe that it's not the "big" events in our life which make life special, but the everyday moments and occurences which we often overlook. When we start paying attention to life moment to moment, we discover a richness and satisfaction behind surface appearances, and begin to experience the wonder that life is.

So, here's an article I wrote this month for the Java Journal, which you can visit at javajournalonline. Hope you enjoy it, that it gets you to thinking, savoring your life more, and as always, send your comments to me at stlmomsworld.com.

The following are my recommendations about how to live each day fully.

1. Live in the now. Savor each moment. Too often, we get distracted with what we have to do next or what happened in the past. Instead, put your attention on what you’re doing. If you’re out walking, notice the trees, listen to the wind, feel the sun, smell the air. Take a shower and focus on the sensations you experience not your to-do list. Almost any activity can become satisfying and enjoyable when you are fully present.

2. Greet each day with wonder. Although as human beings we crave predictability and do what we can to insure it, the world is alive with possibility. There is so much that can happen in a day, positive and negative, which we have no idea of. When you wake up tell yourself, I will not judge this day or decide I know what’s ahead. I will let the day unfold and see what comes my way. Then I’ll decide what to do. I will let openness and mindfulness guide me.

3. Focus on what’s important. One of Steven Covey’s most insightful remarks is that we spend most of our time doing what’s urgent but not important. We carry our lengthy to-do list, yet it rarely includes items like time talking with our children, visiting a friend, sharing affection with our partner, practicing self-care. When tragedy occurs, we regret we may have made getting the laundry or dishes done more of a priority. So, tomorrow when your 5 year old wants to show you their latest art project or your teenager has 10 minutes to talk, stop and do what’s important. All we can be certain of is today.

4. Leave the past behind. Too many of us keep wounding ourselves with what’s angered or hurt us. Remember, yesterday is gone. At a cellular level, you are literally a different person today than you were the day before. Give expression to your feelings of hurt, anger, disappointment, frustration, when they occur and then let them go. Don’t hang on to these feelings. They will only poison you. The miracle of life is that each moment offers a new opportunity to change how we think, feel, act and live.

5. Practice forgiveness. Like #4, it’s important to let go of feeling wronged by forgiving those who we feel have treated us badly. Although forgiveness may take time and not be easy, when we forgive, we clear a path within our souls for compassion and peace. As many spiritual teachers have noted, holding on to hatred and hostility ultimately weakens us, and damages us more than anyone else can.

6. Practice gratitude. Even during times of trial, remember what you’re grateful for. The other day our hot water tank went out, followed by the pilot light on our furnace 2 nights later. After both were repaired, I was so grateful for a hot shower in a warm house. More than that, I felt gratitude for my cozy home, my wonderful family, a career love. Keep your focus on what you have instead of what’s missing. Life is abundant. Be grateful.

7. Cherish loved ones. Spend time with the people who are important to you. Don’t wait until a birthday, anniversary or special occasion, to appreciate others. Show them each day by giving your attention, affection, and time. Stay in touch through letters, e-mail, cell phones, whatever works. Do something that they’d enjoy, like watching sports with your husband or taking your 8 year old to the zoo. Care in small and big ways.

8. Extend lovingkindness. Start with those you love, then your community, then those you dislike, then the whole planet. Make your intention to be kind, respectful, accepting and compassionate toward everyone, starting with yourself. Ghandi said “Become the change you want to see in the world”. While we may not be able to prevent bad things from happening, we can help mend the world by practicing lovingkindness.

9. “Don’t die with your music still in you”. This quote is from Wayne Dyer who has inspired many of us to create the lives we want. Despite the multiple responsibilities required for our lives to run smoothly, we need to pay attention to what makes our heart sing and make time to pursue it. For me, one of these is writing. When Marian Rein first asked me to write for Java Journal, I thought “How will I fit this in?” Now I can’t imagine being without it. So, find your music and express it. It will bring you much joy!

10. Know that you are part of a bigger whole. One of my favorite Disney songs is “The Circle of Life” from the Lion King. To me, it captures the idea that all of us are connected and the illusion is that we seem separate from each other. But, each of us is important. Each of us makes a difference, and by embracing life fully, makes the world a better place,

When bad things happen like the Kirkwood shootings, we feel lost and helpless to mend our world. Yet, the power lies in each of us, choice by choice, day by day. We must make our goal to be better than we were the day before, more alive, more present, more compassionate, more connected with what’s truly important-each other. Only in doing so can we create a world where life is respected above all else. Only in doing so can we become all we are and more.

Warmly, Diane

Girls Just Want to Have Fun

Dr.Diane Sanford — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 20:42:00 +0000

For the last 3 years, I've been working out to improve my physical health and happily, it's helped my mind settle down as well. When my daughters were young, I didn't have a workout routine for 15 years, and since I'm not the type to do an exercise video at home alone, I mostly worked out chasing them. However, between the benefits I've gained personally and many studies which suggest that physical activity enhances physical, emotional and mental health, I'm encouraging all of you to move more.

What I've found works for me is belonging to a women's health club, Butterfly Life in Webster Groves, where the comraderie and support help me stay on track. But, we're all different. So whether it's walking, jogging with your baby, putting on music and dancing, or a yoga class with a friend, do what works for you. Since February is heart health month, it's a good time to make physical activity part of your routine. Start with 15-20 minutes once a week and build from there. And remember, change occurs one step, one day at a time.

In celebration of Heart Health month, I'll be giving a free lecture Saturday, Feb.23 at 12:15 at Butterfly Life at 20 Allen Ave. in Webster Groves. I'll be speaking on "Living with Heart: Creating Health and Happiness" which is an overview on how to be healthier physically, mentally, and emotionally. As moms, it's so easy to neglect ourselves because we're caring for everyone else. But, when our health suffers, so does our family's. So, I'm encouraging you to put your health and well-being on your to-do list, and make it more of a priority.

Besides my talk on Saturday, The Alley Cat Revue, a neo-burlesque group, will be teaching some fun dance moves starting at 11am. The whole program is free and open to everyone. There have been many heart healthy events and celebrations this month which can help launch our fitness plans for the upcoming year. Come join me Saturday or start on your own with whatever works for you. Just do it.

As always, let me know your thoughts and comments about this blog, and how you fit health and fitness into your busy lives.

Warmly, Diane Sanford.

"Doing Afraid"

Dr.Diane Sanford — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 19:38:00 +0000

Last week we went to the Madrigal dinner for my daughter's choir at Webster High School. I was so proud to see her singing as she loves to and performing in front of the 200 or so people who came to watch. Sitting with my husband and mom, I recalled 2 summers ago when they were having choir auditions, and Rachel, my daughter kept putting hers off because she was too afraid to sing in front of the choir director. My husband and I gently but firmly encouraged her to walk through her fears, trusting if she took the chance, she'd succeed. I also remember how excited she was to come home after her audition and tell us "I made it", with confidence radiating from her smile.

Since then, she's performed in St.Louis Suburban Distrit Women's Honor Choir, and will be competing in a women's ensemble later this year. Next year at school, she'll participate in Concert and Chamber Choir, for which she successfully auditioned, and now calls herself a "choir kid". At home, she relaxes by singing, playing her keyboard and writing songs, and her love of singing continues to grow. Although performing is still at times a little scary especially when she starts worrying about how well she'll do, at a deeper level she believes in herself and trusts that she can put herself out there and it'll be okay. A valuable life lesson for anyone.

My friend, River, calls this "doing afraid". Other names it goes by are taking a risk, facing our fears, plunging into the waters of uncertainty, jumping off a cliff. While putting ourselves in emotionally challenging situations alarms us, it is by facing our fears that we discover our potential. It is by visiting "the places that scare us" that we build self-confidence and trust that we can handle what life presents.

As parents, we owe this to our children and ourselves. So the next time you have a chance to "do afraid", take a deep breath and step forward. It'll be worth it!

P.S. Let me know your thoughts about this post or stories you have about you and your children "doing afraid".

Warmly, Diane Sanford.

Motherhood: My Greatest Teacher

Dr.Diane Sanford — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 20:01:00 +0000

For the last 20 years, I've counseled women on adjusting to motherhood, emotional health during pregnancy, and coping with postpartum depression. Before having children, I'd read many books, taken classes, studied with experts, but nothing has taught me more about motherhood than the lived experience. When we welcomed our first daughter, Jessica, into the world 20 years ago this May, my OB told me that being a mom would be harder than finishing my dissertation or getting my psychology license, and I thought he was exaggerating. But, he wasn't.

For me, motherhood has been the most rewarding, demanding, frustrating, delightful, heartwarming, heartbreaking experience of my life. It has also been my greatest teacher. I've learned that no one is right all the time, and that being open and willing to admit my mistakes
has strengthened my relationship with myself and my daughters. From our younger daughter, Rachel who turns 16 next month (if anyone has a 2000 Celica for sale, let me know), I've learned that when emotions are high, it's often better to walk away than keep trying to fix things although it would make me feel better. From both our daughters, I've learned that relationships develop over time whether it's bonding with your baby or connecting with your teenager, that they evolve and change like us, and that we grow as much from getting through tough times with each other as the happy ones.

So, my plans for this blog are to share my motherhood journey with you and talk about the ups and downs, trials and triumphs mothers go through. Because I believe that the health of our families, depends on our personal health and well-being, I'll talk about what we can do to feel physically, emotionally and mentally, fit. And of course, we'll chat about relationships with our children, partners, families, friends, and ourselves.

I'm excited that stlmomsworld has invited me to participate in this blog and offer my advice and insights from 20 years of personal and professional experience. I invite you to join me in exploring this journey which asks us to keep stretching and growing for our children's sake and our own.

To learn more about me and our practice, Women's Healthcare Partnership, visit http://www.drdianesanford.com/.

Warmly, Diane Sanford